birthdays

Today I am turning 32. When I look at those two numbers and think about it in years, I've been alive a long time. I have had a lot of life experiences. I've cried a lot, I've laughed a lot. I've had road rage for almost half my life now. Just kidding, I just like to talk to the cars around me. As long as I get it off my chest nothing else happens:)

Anyway, it's amazing how weird life is. Sometimes I still feel like I should be in college and single. Like I didn't get quite enough of it. At the time, however, I was so done with being single and on my own. I was quite ready to get married. I love my memories from college, even the hard ones. But I still am shocked every so often when I suddenly realize again that I am a mother to two children. I've been a mother for almost 4 years now and that is shocking. I think about my mom when I was growing up and how unselfish she always seemed and I wonder why I still have my selfish tendencies. Why do I still want to just go do things on my own? But then I think my mom probably felt that way too while I was growing up. I just didn't see it because I was a child. I hope my children don't see the selfishness in me. I hope I do a good enough job masking it. I never want them to feel like they aren't the most important people to me, next to their dad. I never want them to think that I feel like I'm more important than them.

Anyway, today has been bittersweet. I've loved being spoiled by my husband and children. I've loved not having to do any dishes today or cook any meals. But there is one thing missing from today that I will never get back. It has been 2 years since I last heard my birth story from my mommy. She was diagnosed with alzheimer's disease almost 4 years ago and in the last two years she couldn't remember my birth story or that it was even my birthday. Most of the time anymore I don't think she remembers that I'm her daughter. And it really aches in my heart when I let myself think about it too long. I remember every year she would be the first to call me and she would tell me my birth story. She would tell me about all the details and then she would tell me what a wonderful daughter I've grown up to be and how happy she is to be my mom. I remember her telling me how we made a deal in heaven that she would be my mom and I would be her daughter. We chose each other. And I believe it. I can't imagine anyone having a closer relationship with their mother than I've had with mine. And I'm grateful. It seems she fit in so much more in these last 30 years than most can fit into a lifetime.

Thanks mom for bringing me here to earth and showing me the way to live. Thanks for being so wonderful and just for being all of you. Thank you for teaching me how to take care of you now. I love you so very much and miss talking with you. Thank you for giving me life and all that has come with it.

Happy Birthday to me.