Day by day

Today was literally a day from hell. No one big thing happened that was horrible, it was just a series of neverending crappiness. I couldn't get myself into a good mood and my children followed suit.....all....day....long. I finally ended up putting them both to bed early. I thought that my bad day had ended, but not so. Still more stuff happened to ensure that this post would be true. It has been a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day as Alexander would say. And I am seriously contemplating moving to Australia, except that I know the end of that book, so it's useless to do that. All I can do is go to bed and hope and pray that tomorrow will be better than today was.

One piece of silver lining to my day though happened as I was tucking in my 4 year-old. I was singing her requested songs and in the middle of it all, she said she was sorry for being so horrible and mean to me all day. And it was actually sincere. I think she had actually been thinking about it for a while. That did make my heart melt. She is actually learning something. And she does actually know right from wrong. And it made up for the fact that she had been mean to me pretty much all day long. She asked if I could ever forgive her and I told her, of course.

It just goes to show me that though I may feel pessimistic about motherhood sometimes, my children are listening and some things are sinking in. A little payday!

Awkwardness and Loneliness

Today was another day that reminded me that I'm kinda lonely. I realized I haven't had a kindred spirit kind of friend since I got married. My husband is definitely a kindred spirit, but I don't have a girlfriend kindred spirit. I went to a surprise birthday party this morning and it was fun. But I left feeling so out of place (like I have felt pretty much everywhere we've lived since we got married). I know I have friends and very nice acquaintances, but I long for one dear friend who finds me interesting and who I find equally interesting. I have decided that it is far harder to find that sort of friend now that I'm married and am a stay-at-home mom. But I wish I had someone that I could just call out of the blue for no good reason and not have the phone call feel awkward.

Maybe someday I'll have that close kind of friendship again like I did when I was in high school and college. One that I can be myself - good or bad - and know that that person still loves me and though they may think I'm weird, they still want to spend time with me.

facebook

So I found some old friends on facebook tonight. But one of them I couldn't send a friend request to.....what does that mean? can you opt out of having people contact you to become friends? i thought that was kinda the point of facebook. or can you block certain people from friend requesting you? i hope not because that would just be rude. anyway, i guess one of my long lost friends will never know how i'm doing in life. i'm doing great, by the way, in case anyone cares.

birthdays

Today I am turning 32. When I look at those two numbers and think about it in years, I've been alive a long time. I have had a lot of life experiences. I've cried a lot, I've laughed a lot. I've had road rage for almost half my life now. Just kidding, I just like to talk to the cars around me. As long as I get it off my chest nothing else happens:)

Anyway, it's amazing how weird life is. Sometimes I still feel like I should be in college and single. Like I didn't get quite enough of it. At the time, however, I was so done with being single and on my own. I was quite ready to get married. I love my memories from college, even the hard ones. But I still am shocked every so often when I suddenly realize again that I am a mother to two children. I've been a mother for almost 4 years now and that is shocking. I think about my mom when I was growing up and how unselfish she always seemed and I wonder why I still have my selfish tendencies. Why do I still want to just go do things on my own? But then I think my mom probably felt that way too while I was growing up. I just didn't see it because I was a child. I hope my children don't see the selfishness in me. I hope I do a good enough job masking it. I never want them to feel like they aren't the most important people to me, next to their dad. I never want them to think that I feel like I'm more important than them.

Anyway, today has been bittersweet. I've loved being spoiled by my husband and children. I've loved not having to do any dishes today or cook any meals. But there is one thing missing from today that I will never get back. It has been 2 years since I last heard my birth story from my mommy. She was diagnosed with alzheimer's disease almost 4 years ago and in the last two years she couldn't remember my birth story or that it was even my birthday. Most of the time anymore I don't think she remembers that I'm her daughter. And it really aches in my heart when I let myself think about it too long. I remember every year she would be the first to call me and she would tell me my birth story. She would tell me about all the details and then she would tell me what a wonderful daughter I've grown up to be and how happy she is to be my mom. I remember her telling me how we made a deal in heaven that she would be my mom and I would be her daughter. We chose each other. And I believe it. I can't imagine anyone having a closer relationship with their mother than I've had with mine. And I'm grateful. It seems she fit in so much more in these last 30 years than most can fit into a lifetime.

Thanks mom for bringing me here to earth and showing me the way to live. Thanks for being so wonderful and just for being all of you. Thank you for teaching me how to take care of you now. I love you so very much and miss talking with you. Thank you for giving me life and all that has come with it.

Happy Birthday to me.

No longer.....

I've finally done it. It was surprisingly easy and quick. I always said I didn't have time to do a blog, and I still don't. Maybe this will be my only post....

I just need something, some outlet for my own personal thoughts. I listen to a very chatty 3 year old all day long and don't see a lot of my husband, so I need to be able to speak (or rather write) rationally sometimes, if only to feel somewhat connected to my previous self for a brief moment. so i guess this is that outlet.

No longer will I keep my thoughts to myself.